I Hate My Native Language

This post should help blow off some steam.

I don’t like to talk about this often – about my parents’ ethnicity and language. My parents are of Tamilian ancestry and they speak the very rudimentary language of Tamil. If you are some lifestyle blogger who’s here to read something wonderful about some exotic, far-away land and its people, I’m sorry. You certainly would not want to be here.

There’s so much I wish I could tell you – or more honestly, want you to see because the things I’ve seen and experienced can only be believed through physical sight and are of such extraordinary magnitude that it only can do justice. This is one of those situations that some fine poets will not be able to adequately capture.

Some cultures are backward. Some people are disgusting. Some languages are inadequate. Some demographics only exist to rot!

I’m finding it unnecessarily hard to express these thoughts in the English language. These thoughts I’m referring to are indigenous to the mind of the local demographic, and while I don’t like to think of myself as one of them, I have fallen victim to their ways starting young. I believe the brain encodes memories and outside information in ways so they can be retrieved and easily reproduced in a certain language at a later time. Unfortunately for me, I was first exposed to the local language – and it only seemed reasonable. You learn to speak the language of the everyday folk. But this is not a post of my appalling excuse of a childhood, but one that diaries my current thoughts from the events of the day. I won’t however point to anybody or any particular instances but instead try to leave you with a picture of what it would have been like to be me – for a day, that is.

I am a straight male of nineteen years of South Indian ethnicity. I possess a very high IQ as determined previously by a registered psychiatrist and some kindergarten and middle school teachers. The ones from my high school hated me – and I hated them back equally so we were even on that. I have a witty sense of humor. I am very creative. I gave up my culture and religion several years ago for reasons you’d know if you were me. What happened to me giving you a picture of what it was like to be me?

Imagine being an ADHD individual with generalized anxiety with an overall lack of inhibitory neurotransmitters. That’s Shreyas! And now imagine being this person of immense ambition, and intellectual and physical energy walking among a civilization in political and scientific ruins. Imagine this person living among a folk where ignorance is glorified and who live off a sense of false entitlement given to them by a society that can be safely called as borderline retarded. Wait, what am I saying – what I meant to say was retarded. Up your arse with being politically correct – I’ve had it with that shit a long time back. Imagine this person being left with no other than to forcibly speak himself into the local language. A language of restricted vocabulary lacking any kind of linguistic sophistication. Sentences are only plain. You cannot make logical talk with a language of such. The language is ridiculed with logical failures – and counter-arguments presented in this language can exploit its lack of logical consistency. And this is often what most people who speak this language do. For my kind of IQ and an almost destructive need to express myself creatively, I chose English – a fine language. I chose the contemporary Judeo-Christian culture.

Over the years, I have developed a very profound sense of cultural isolation – and it only makes sense because of what we just saw with the guided visualization. I have found to disassociate myself. I would fantasize. I would not belong in the right places – in my body or in my surroundings. One form of isolation quickly leads to another especially in a society as such described – causing intellectual, emotional and social isolation very soon. In fact, I feel like they showed up almost simultaneously, not in some chronological order like I’ve stated. I need a proper analyst to study my case – who knows, maybe there’s something worthy of research in me.

I think I just wrote a small part of my biography there!

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Why I Chose To Be A Narcissist And You Should Too

There have been many bad connotations to narcissism and I wish to give new meaning to it – as a way of life, a way of functioning in society without legal consequences. I define narcissism as the trait that makes one care for oneself and put the priorities of theirs or whatever they chose to associate with first regardless of the moral dictates of society. It so much easier to function this way as I will explain later and with this you are insured against heartbreak, betrayal and other emotional trauma of such. Narcissism is a fundamental trait of LaVey Satanists – practitioners of Satanism as made popular by LaVey – where you indulge in what you see required for your emotional and physical gratification with no regard for others or society inside the confines of law.

Don’t carry the load that will eventually destroy you!

The interaction between the anthropological construct that we call society – which actually manifests as physical entities – and human is one that is purely reciprocal that relies on a give-and-take policy. It is the result of what you do and what others do to you in return that gives rise to a balance. But the sad thing about this metaphorical balance is its tendency to be uncertain and sometimes downright cruel – in other words, it does not work fairly and just to the liking of yours despite your good intentions. You often don’t realize but the truth of the matter is that you do good in return for good, that’s simply the way it is and no one can be innately good without being subjected to good – because it is in the fundamental nature of humans and animals to not be good, animals are jerks to each other – that’s simply how they get their way in their unstructured world.

Continue reading “Why I Chose To Be A Narcissist And You Should Too”

Success!

So I was checking out my Instagram and ran into a post that said,

Fail seven times, rise the eighth

It’s funny that we’ve to fall seven times, it really is meant to be interpreted by people in their own ways. You don’t necessarily have to fall seven out of eight times, I mean because that would be silly, and maybe hysterical. Another one,

if you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want becomes the sacrifice

I’m sorry man, but I ain’t sacrificing nothing (pardon the southern dialect). Continue reading “Success!”

Fifth Tangent

We are supposed to be talking logic this time. More specifically, I’d like to talk logic and people – how they use and understand logic.

While most people aren’t necessarily logical, they seem to have a decent grasp of what is logic. You and I are capable of everyday reasoning. But we find ourselves making decisions seeing past conventional logic – and it really has more to do with human psychology. Sometimes, nasty people exploit this loophole to win an argument, make a point, or even manipulate us like some theatrical puppet.

Continue reading “Fifth Tangent”

I’m Only Human

Happy new year everybody! I hope you had a wonderful start into twenty seventeen 🙂 I personally had a blast – in Chicago! I was at this fairly new event in the city center called Chi-town Rising, hosted this year by Corona Extra. They basically have a huge steel star with lights mounted onto it to draw attention, guided on 2 I-beams running through the face of the Hyatt building by Wacker drive.

I’m back again with more posts to post but in the meantime, I thought I could write this short post just giving myself in to my human side. On my other posts, I use big words and phrases and try to be logically consistent and grammatically sound but today I’m just going to write about things on the very top of my head hoping this would help build better blogger-reader relationships and moreover, to help make blogging on Chronic Overthoughts therapeutic to me, you know the relaxation and all writing brings. I will also not be proof-reading this post or even try to optimize it – like I said earlier, this is purely what’s firing in my head instantaneously as I hit keys.

This New Year’s was a particularly good realization for me. I’ve realized that being me while doing things the way others do to impress humans at the fundamental level often pays off. This is best reflected in college applications – when I first applied to my dream schools, I made the mistake of completely being honest and ‘me’ but as it turns out, you have to play by the game a little bit where it’s required to make some of the trivial stuff up to mark and invest your mental resources into where ‘being yourself’ is appreciated. Lately, I’ve been making an action plan to see what needs to be done to get me a step closer to my goal which lead me to a couple things – playing by the game to a certain extent cut down on much of the stress and burden such activities bring with it. It also ultimately made me feel satisfied when I felt that I wasn’t standing too far out, making my every move predominantly noticeable while simultaneously making sure to not be too blended with everybody else so as to lose your unique identity.

Also, I’ve come to realize that sometimes there’s only a certain extent to which you can control or take authority over things – how, when and the way they take place. There are well-established constraints on everyone – nationality, blah blah blah which can only take you to a certain point beyond which you must just surrender and stop wasting your resources telling yourself that you’d come this far and there’s room to go further – especially if others had already done it.

My advice to my younger self would be to not look at your path to your goal as one that is linear – even if you think you are taking radical paths that have never before been traversed upon you are in-fact, naturally following a linear path. Your hard work or distinct behavior should not account for evidence to confirm your bias. They are merely obstacles placed on the vertical which you just have to navigate or work through no matter what. The obstacle which I’ve encountered is one placed along the horizontal. One might ask what difference does it make – the obstacles placed on the vertical will NOT forbid you from moving ahead towards the goal. These are merely there to slow you down. Maybe you got a low score on a standardized test and wanted to retake it – you’re just being slowed down while still staying on that straight path. Keep in mind that not all have the same obstacles – everyone has a different goal and hence, an action plan which they set for themselves or mutually agreed upon with a third-party. The horizontal obstacle is a roadblock to keep you from progressing further on that path to your goal. While a horizontal obstacle might seem like something that forbids you completely from reaching your goal, it really isn’t.

To deal with an horizontal obstacle, you have to realize that this obstacle was designed to be overcome in the long term. If I was telling myself this a couple months if not, days ago, I would have welcomed it with nothing but skepticism. This should seem like complete gibberish because we are told our short-term actions determine our results in the long-term. While this notion is agreeable in most cases, a horizontal obstacle requires you to think out-of-the-box! You not just explore radical options, but also develop REALISTIC action plans to make them reality, with much emphasis on the word realistic. Someone like me, who suffers from schizophrenia is lead to believe an idealistic and logical plan will certainly work. When it doesn’t – we rebel, loathe our existence and get more aggressive with our pursuits. But that does NOT help because your resources are now invested in something that isn’t helping navigate around this obstacle.

Don’t seek (never!) validation from anyone, even your parents, siblings and close friends. You are your best person to judge. Sometimes, I’ve found myself doing things merely to get validated by others. While this yields fantastic results in the short-term, it doesn’t help challenging obstacles as the one discussed above, obstacle which most people give up to. These obstacles make an average person feel like they’ve hit a dead end, only an intellectual who’s self-invested his/her resources will realize the bigger picture and work on a realistic solution that is statistically bound to work.